When we first start working with a new coaching client, we spend time defining what coaching is and what it isn't. There is quite a bit of confusion out there. If you're unsure yourself, here a quick overview.
Coaching & Therapy – therapy focuses on feelings and experiences related to past events. Coaching focuses on the present and the future. Coaching encourages the client to move forward. A therapist normally works with dysfunctional people to get them to a functional state. Therapists works with individuals who need to become emotionally healthy. Therapists deal with past issues and how to overcome them. Coaching is where the client is right now, where they want to be next and how to get them there. It is important to know when a client needs therapy and not coaching. Coaching & Consulting – consulting and consultants tend to provide advice. The coach provides the space for the client to discover their own solution and their own answer. Coaches do not provide the answers. The client does; the coach guides them. A consultant is a specialist in one area and provides solutions. Coaches are not specialists in one area – they don’t need to be as they are not experts in finding the answer for the client – this is the work of the client. Coaching is a holistic approach. The coach has the questions that allow the client to find their own answers and clarify their values. Coaching & Counselor - A counselor provides information and expertise. The relationship is typically hierarchical – a parent /child for example. It is based on the past and focuses on fixing a problem. Coaching relationships are future based, action oriented and not hierarchical. The coach and client partner together. The coach and client walk side by side. Coaching & Mentoring - A mentee establishes a relationship with an expert in the field. Mentors are usually older and have more experienced and specialized in their field. It is more of a teacher / student relationship – learning takes place from the teacher to student. The student looks up to the mentor for information and guidance. Coaching is a partnership. Clients draw on their own wisdom and follow their own guidance to meet their goals. Learn more about our coaching programs here. Or send us a short note with your questions and interest. Three questions which are sometimes helpful *in the moment* in deciding if and how to move forward with a particular issue:
1. What?
2. So what?
3. Now what?
'What other people think of you is none of your business.’ Some may misunderstand this as an arrogant statement, but if you look at it with a perspective that there are three kinds of ‘business’ to be involved in – mine, yours and a higher power’s business (whatever that means to you - or not) - it takes on different meaning.
A lot of our stress comes from living outside of our own business: telling others how they should be, have others tell us how we should be, worrying about death, earthquakes, fires, etc. We really should only be in ‘our own’ business and once we are, we also come to realize that we don’t have much business here either and that our life runs pretty well on its own, if we would just let it!
To manage change, you need to follow a process.
For a transformation, you need the right attitude. Change doesn't require a new attitude, transformation does. Change is about information, skills, knowledge. Transformation is about attitude. People can change all the time. Transformation is more rare. But when it happens, it moves. Change fixes the past. Transformation creates the future. I've decided to stop trying to find balance. I don't think it's possible nor realistic. As soon as you find 'it' and are momentarily balanced, something happens and you feel out of balance. Instead, I've decided to simply practice balancing. Sometimes, I need training wheels to keep my balance. Other times, I feel balanced riding without. Being balanced is not a one-time event. Balancing is an everyday practice. And sometimes you still need your training wheels. Development -- personal, professional, organizational -- is a life-long process.
It is not a 1/2-day training. It is not a 2-day training. It is not training. It is a continual process that takes time, patience, energy, motivation, support, trust and committment. Development is a process, not an event. Asking the question WHY in my coaching sessions doesn't happen so often.
You may be asking yourself, 'But why?' The question WHY seeks rationalization and can cause us to create and put into words a list of rational reasons for our decisions or actions. These reasons may or may not be true and may or may not actually be helpful. They only answer the question WHY. When we ask WHY, we embed ourselves deeper and deeper into our already exsiting beliefs and opinions. It often leads us to feel and be defensive. When we are defensive, we are not open to new ideas and possibilities and able to learn. Coaching - without the why - provides the structure through questioning to stretch your existing beliefs and opitions and offer new perspectives and options. Someone says: I can’t. A possible response: Why not? WHY focuses us on the past and moves us backwards towards reasons and memories. Instead of asking WHY, try asking: What stops you? -- Switches the focus on the barrier itself and what is stopping you. What would happen if you could? – Begins the process of imagining solving the problem. This can be a very powerful question. As a consequence of the way our brains process the language of the question, we don’t even really think about what is happening. In order to answer the question, we have to imagine that we have solved the problem. Through our own answer, we give ourselves options and resources we didn’t know existed and the empowerment to take action. In addition, we can find hidden thoughts (fears, stress, etc.) about what we think if we actually did it. Often times it is here where we can see the once hidden barriers to making changes. Quick Tips for Replacing WHY I’ve included a handful of other questions to answer the ‘I can’t’ in your life.
For me, ‘I can’t’ isn’t a reason why I can or cannot do something. It's just an action verb. Asking other kinds of questions can lead us to figure out what we can do, what we really want do and how we can do it. 'Seek to understand first, before being understood.' – Steven Covey Active Listening allows you and other individuals to engage in a dialogue where you are both equipped with clarity and understanding of the purpose, content & outcome of the discussion.
It is an empowering and important skill in leading and managing diverse teams. 1. Look at the individual, stop the other things you are doing and remove distractions. 2. Listen not only to the words, but pay attention to the tone and emotions of the individual. 3. Be attentive to what the individual is talking about. 4. Restate what the person said in your own words to ensure complete understanding. 5. Be patient. 6. Respect the silence needed. 7. Respect the pauses and let the individual finish speaking. 8. Ask meaningful and clarifying questions. 9. Be aware of your own emotions and opinions. 10.If you wish to offer your own opinion, only do this after you have listened. If you think you could improve your active listening, let us know. Our Integral Leadership Development Program (IGLD) includes reflections, practice, and tips. People have all kinds of ideas. Ideas need space. Space needs time. Give people space and time and they will give you great ideas.
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